Let the Fesivities Commence

Yesterday was certainly the most active day of the week thus far, and considering the temperature, I'd say that was a personal victory. So far, so good with health and wellness. I have kept up with my refreshingly sparse (but smart) dietary goals, managed to get it several miles of walking (though not quite as many as I'd originally hoped for), spent oodles of time with my favorite mini-humans, been productive, stayed hydrated, and I feel mentally and emotionally calm....happy.

The weekend starts today; we're headed to Mark's family reunion- about which I am so excited. I love his family (the handful of members I've met anyway), and the idea of meeting everyone is really enticing. Not only will the kids have countless other kids to play with, but I get to put faces with family stories...and I love that I can be with Mark in his territory, watching him be with people he hasn't seen in years. I'd just as well enjoy being a fly on the wall, so this is icing.

The weather is just gorgeous this morning, having cooled off considerably with a welcome breeze last night. The colors are light; the air is gentle; the mood is pleasant. Mark has taken the kids to get their hair cut, which gives me time to pack, do laundry, take a shower...I mean...post in my blog. I have so much to do! But the porch is so nice....

I can't say that I'll have much time to write this weekend, but I'll come back with tons of thoughts and photos (I will have also gone to a bridal shower before I make my way home again).

This really has been a week of conversation, of trial, of an exercise in good habits. With this calm I feel now, I look forward to next week's adventure, and to letting things be as they are. As we discussed with our favorite, wise neighbor this morning, whatever comes next is whatever comes next, and there is so much peace in that.

Be well, friends.

Just Around the River Bend

I'll admit that it's difficult, even for a born walker, to walk miles in this heat- this supremely humid weather with (still) no rain. Where on earth (or up there) is the rain....?

So, I do what I can with physical activity, walking in shorter stints. I drink water left and right. It has been so hot during the day this week. The kind of heat- thick and wet- that feels like it pushes the sweat back into your pores before it can get all the way out, so you just feel heavy, weighed down. That's where diet comes into play...and those lukewarm showers and wading in the river.

Not long ago, I had my third small meal of the day: a colorful salad with spinach, black beans, tomatoes, onions, carrots, and cucumber slices. I throw a little Light Asian Toasted Sesame Dressing on that bad boy, and it's all I can do not to say, "Mmmmm....", so I do, quietly, with Janis adding the soul to my salad in the background. Breakfast was a bowl of Smart Start (my favorite cereal) with light organic soy milk, and for lunch, I had an everything bagel with roasted garlic hummus and some baby carrots dipped in said hummus. Delicious. Nutritious.

The air is significantly cooler now to the skin than it was hours ago, though it's thickness remains. A hot week indeed. The gnats seem to find my laptop screen to be the perfect setting for their nighttime gathering, and it may be coincidence, but one of them appears to following the blinking cursor as I type this paragraph. (He hopped away two words before the end of that sentence).

Mark, the kids, and I had a really super time at the river earlier this evening, and I've put pictures from that adventure, as well as Evan eating his all-green meal, in Galleries. There was stone skipping, splashing, giggling, sending an eagle (goose) feather down river,  a little falling in, and cool water on a sweltering day. Family time. Excellent. I will say this, however: a once clear, beautiful river has turned into a drying, stream of crap. Between this drought and the countless polluters, the main flow of the river is still as lovely as ever, but the river beds are absolutely disgusting.

Oil, trash, chemicals. Not okay. Between the rocks is a shallow pool of orange slime, shimmering like it thinks it belongs there somehow. Rainbows belong in the sky- not in rivers. Take your iridescent sludge and shove it. Have a little respect for what natural beauty there is left on this planet, and leave us some of it. Please and thank you.

The time has come for some very necessary rest. Thank you, Evan and Ayla, for making us laugh and giving us cuddle bugs- even grown ups need some of that.

Until tomorrow's adventure begins, sleep well...be well.

To Accept, Or Not To Accept? That Is the Question.

Life happens. Go figure.

Not a dull moment today. By that I mean that it was a strange, interesting day. By that I also mean that I am rarely bored. My mother showed me a long time ago that boredom is one of the most temporary feelings in this life. You get that twinge of it and do something about it, because the feeling of being bored simply means you need to change your perception of the situation. We're always, always doing something. Even in the most "boring" moments, we're breathing. And there's nothing boring about breathing. Admittedly, I don't like that word- I don't really think it means anything- and any time one of my kids says, "I'm sooo bored," I say, "You mean you're not doing anything?? Anything at all? But you're talking to me, telling me you're bored...that's something!" They look at me like I'm off my rocker. Inevitably. But they get it by now...they know what I mean, and they laugh, and then they're not bored anymore. Silliness is a great "boredom" squasher.

Well, today was certainly not boring. Not even close.

I can think of at least three things today I would consider far from boring. Some might say they were awful things. Some might say they were stressful. The twinges of those feelings were there, but today was a lesson in acceptance, a non-academic subject I find far more crucial to life than most things we are told to absorb in high school or college. Thank goodness humans aren't graded on the ability to accept life as it happens, because you'd find many a tearful student, unable to accept the grade they'd been given in Acceptance 101.

The few close friends I have are very dear to me for innumerable reasons, but one of them is that they feel the way I inherently feel about life situations- they're just that: situations. And situations are temporary. As are all things, feelings, conversations, moments. All temporary. Is that a negative view of life? Not at all. It is a peaceful view of life, a view in which life is allowed to flow as it is without my resistance to it. Does that mean I am perfectly peaceful in every way? Absolutely not. It does, however, mean that I am aware of the impermanence of all things, and I continually strive to live without resistance to life...and everything that comes with it. I am no Zen master. I am no guru. I definitely get agitated. On a day like today, there were situations around every corner begging me to get sucked in, begging me to fume, begging me to resist.

I say to these temporary situations today, "Ooooohhh...you're good. You put up a really good fight! A year ago, you'd have had me at 'hello', but not today. Nuh uh. I have neither the time on this earth, nor the energy, to give in to your demands. Nice try though. Really! Good game."

Some situations are harder than others to turn from. Some days, the sun goes down and you feel like your ass has been whooped. I know. But do you know without a shadow of a doubt that you're going to wake up tomorrow morning....? Me either. I don't want to go to sleep tonight in a state of resistance, or panic, or anger, or resentment, or tension. No, no. That's no good.

Whatever happened even a moment ago is gone now. It's over.

This week, in particular,  is about health and wellness, and I consider that to be all-encompassing. I feel healthy right now. Right this moment. And that is a priceless feeling.

Late Night Musings on Several Unimportant Matters

It occurs to me that every time I make popcorn for my kids- for popcorn and movie time- I snag a few pieces, even though I don't like popcorn. At all. The only kind I eat willingly is white cheddar, which I love, and only because I don't pop it in my microwave. That smell...ugh...ever since I was a kid. When I grab that handful after I've made the kids' bowls of it, I chew it for a second, then tell myself there must be something wrong with me that I continue to subject myself to eating fluffy paper that gets stuck in my molars. Ridiculous. And yet, the next time we have popcorn and movie night, watch me do it again.


Tonight, I had an uproariously funny conversation with some of my kindred city folk, in which I was given a new nickname. I love nicknames. I started to think of all the nicknames I've had thus far in life, and I realized there are far more than I would have imagined. We're talking names that stuck for a while, stage names. Names to which I would actually answer.

Bre, Banana, Cheese, BB, BB Won, BB Won Kinobe, Breana Breana, Lea, Vens, Reeks of Beautiful, Bre B, Charlie, BJ, Breana Lee, Brena, Little, 64, Blondie, Big Jo, Kung Fu Princess, Wubus, Kid, Breezy, Breezy B, Caranilla Sweet Vanaramel (AKA Vanaramel). Oh, and the new one: Blogger Bandit.

Surely, I am forgetting some, but that is enough to make me giggle and question whether or not my friends and family actually love me.



L ovingly
I nitiating
F earless
E xploration


In the eyes of the beholder:
    Happiness
    Beauty
    Success
    Morality
    Victory
    Love
    Sanity
    Righteousness
    Worth
    Talent
    Reality
    Truth


Goodnight.
    

Week In Review / Let the Good Health Begin!

Last week was a truly unbelievable experience. I am so grateful to have made it this far, and continuing forward seems the only option at this point. I can feel it already...new things...old things...good things.

Rachel and I gave out cards in Columbus that really seemed to make people's day. It most certainly made our day. Laughter, tears, hugs, high fives, smiles, and warmth in the air- sorry if we added to global warming, but we just couldn't help it- it was awesome. No amount of rain or people who avoided us like the plague slowed it down. We can't wait to do it again! When the time comes, if any of you want to feel like you just won the emotional lottery, join us...

There was dinner and closure in one night, in a place where sullen faces are more than acceptable. Sometimes a little spaghetti is all you need; sometimes you need to go back to the places you've been and see them in new ways. Sometimes you just need to be around another person who knows, needing to say nothing at all.

A random act of kindness toward animals is super up my alley, and I must say, I'm glad to have come back with a few photos, because those baby raccoons were adorable...and hopefully still safe! Too, there was something so seamless about that day at the park. My friend and I had needed to become close again, and six children played together like they'd known each other forever. Thank you, Christopher, for being you- you're a good brother, and a good person...and I did genuinely miss you.

We did our best to rid the world of a little bit of litter...one step at a time. We certainly had a lesson in respecting wildlife as well (I'm sorry, but I have to say again- those geese!!!!). Thank you, Evan, for showing how big your heart is, with both trash pickup and donations. Thank you, Ayla, for your generosity and good spirit.

And there was, of course, goose poop.

After a wonderful, liberating weekend, the week of good habits and good health begins.

No meat, no dairy, no crap. Miles of walking every day (my favorite activity for good feelings and clarity). Plenty of water; plenty of rest. My mind is edging in a good direction, and I intend to teach my body to follow. When our bodies aren't in a healthy state, they pull energy from our minds that we cannot afford to lose. Here's to balance.

This morning, my very thirsty children and I took to the trails. Bikes under butts, I followed behind (walking) while they pedaled their way through the trees and countless other health buffs. It was hot, but it was beautiful, and we surely came home feeling like we'd gotten some good exercise. I am reliant on that pitcher of cold water in the refrigerator to be my best friend today, and sitting here now, I am enjoying this rest with a great view. The coming weeks are looming, assuring me that I will be very busy, so I know that starting these habits now will serve me well.

With this glass of purity, cheers to all of you out there. Raise your water glasses! Take a big gulp! Rinse and repeat.

Happy Health Everyone! And thank you again for all the support. Keep reading, keep spreading good energy...we all need it.

Peace and love

Wake Up...It Feels Good

To finish out the first week of the project, I got all the bread, peanut butter, jelly, and bottled water I needed to make sandwiches to take to a homeless shelter in Columbus. Over the last week, the brakes on the car started to make us a liiiittle nervous, and driving home from my mom's yesterday, it was apparent: there was no way I was leaving town. Ugh. Sigh. Pout. I've learned how to deal with the brakes this past week, leaving them as much life as possible, but the idea of having to be in potential traffic, or come to a fast, defensive stop, was not an option. Bummer. That said, everything happens as it's supposed to happen, and last night turned out to hold the key to progress. I'll take the sandwiches when the brakes are fixed. Yes, that sounds much safer.

I woke up abruptly this morning, feeling rested for the second time in a row...that almost never happens. I slid out of bed, started the pot of coffee, had a bagel while it brewed, and sat down to do some writing. Now, I'm here talking to you. Well...talking to myself, really. But it may turn out that I'm talking to you at some point later today. (By the way, it's an odd feeling to log in to Blogger, see the number of page views I've had, and not know who it is that I'm actually talking to. Surreal). Hello, friends! Whoever you are....

So, here's the thing: I'm not a skinny girl. That probably doesn't come as a shock to you if you know me, but recently, it came as a shock to me (in my head) that I would like to think that no one knows that but me, though most surely do. Well, it's true. I just never wanted to admit it. All my life, I've seen pictures and thought that if the rest of the world never saw them, they'd never know. It was just my way of never telling myself the truth- a seemingly easy thing to do.

I'm a "stander". If you've known me for more than a short time, you may actually understand what that is. It means that people have always said to me, "Sit down, honey; be comfortable; you're making me nervous." To which I would reply, "Oh, that's okay. I'm a stander. I prefer it, but if it really starts to make you uneasy, I'll sit." Then, they would inevitably come back with, "No, that's okay...stand if that's what you like. It's cool."

Well, it's not what I like (except on certain occasions)! I have been uncomfortable for seventeen years! But I never told you that, so it became my burden to bear. There was no way I was going to sit. To sit is to reveal one's flabbiest form. To sit is to allow fat rolls free reign, unless of course you sit up straight as a board, which I did many a time, but that is far less comfortable than standing. Thus, I was a stander. I have probably spent four years of my life standing, detached, unable to really be a part of something, because I didn't want to be me. If I've ever made you uncomfortable on account of my standing, I apologize. However, the standing likely led to my burning more calories than had I been sitting, and it probably led to my becoming a walker, which is one of my great loves, and I'd never take it back. In fact, it was a walk last night that led to my finally being able to say something I had needed to say (even to myself) for a long time. Oh, and watching Youtube videos of ThE tUnE-yArDs. She speaks truth. My truth. And so, the honesty began to flow. And I feel more like a whole human being than I have ever felt.

 "I'm just kind of a fat girl. I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not, when everyone knows I am anyway. It's why I stand all the time. I don't think I've ever told anyone that. It's exhausting. I'm tired. I don't want to do it anymore."

To which he said, "Well, sit you down, girl. Take a load off." The beauty of it was that I was already sitting, because it was time. And he smiled. And he kissed my cheek. And he was warmed by my honesty. And he said he loved me. And I think he really does...still...after all this time, all this....

I've always been an open, forward person- a social butterfly, an answer-the-call emergency friend. I said "yes" to too much outside stuff, and "no" to too many important, personal things. Women. I am as neurotic as the next. In fact, I think I became a writer, and tried to become good at it, because it was a way to let my neuroses out in a creative fashion. I am bat shit crazy. I'm loud. I talk too much. I'm a busybody. I'm overbearing. I'm jealous. I'm often uncomfortable in social situations. I smoke too much. I drink too much coffee. That said, I don't drink anymore, and that was a major saving grace. Drunk Breana was not cool, despite the fact that she thought she was, and (thank goodness) it's been an awfully long time since she came out to play. Life is far easier without her.

Regardless, last night was so liberating. I have felt more balanced in the last few months than I probably ever have, and the more I continue with this project, the better I feel. It's amazing what happens when you do what you really believe you're supposed to do. I am learning who my friends are. I am learning what my relationship is. I'm learning what family means. I'm learning how to be me. Freely. Fearlessly. Well, it's a process- a path, if you will- and I'm finally comfortable with it.

Maybe some of you know what this feels like- how exhausting it is to try to be someone you're not, all the while you're actually still who you are, but you don't want to accept that, so you keep trying to convince yourself that with all this effort, one day you'll wake up and be the person you want people to think you are. (I got tired just saying that).

The world already sees you. Let that be. Every person you come in contact with has their own perception of you. Let that be. Stop trying to correct the perceptions you have of yourself, and just be. It's not exhausting. Not at all. We get tired enough just trying to exist in societies that are forcing us to move and think faster than we were built to. Don't make it worse.

Wake up.

It feels really good.